Page 63Detachment also involves accepting realitythe facts. It requires faithin ourselves, in God, in other people, and in the
natural order and destiny of things in this world. We believe in the rightness and appropriateness of each moment. We
release our burdens and cares, and give ourselves the freedom to enjoy life in spite of our unsolved problems. We trust
that all is well in spite of the conflicts. We trust that Someone greater than ourselves knows, has ordained, and cares
about what is happening. We understand that this Someone can do much more to solve the problem than we can. So we
try to stay out of His way and let Him do it. In time, we know that all is well because we see how the strangest (and
sometimes most painful) things work out for the best and for the benefit of everyone.
Judi Hollis wrote of detachment in a section on codependency in her book, Fat Is a Family Affair. There she described
detachment as "a healthy neutrality." 4
Detaching does not mean we don't care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop
creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we
become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care
and to love in ways that help others and don't hurt ourselves. 5
The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-
enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems. We find the freedom to live our own
lives without excessive feelings of guilt about, or responsibility toward others.6 Sometimes detachment even motivates
and frees people around us to begin to solve their problems. We stop worrying about them, and they pick up the slack
and finally start worrying about themselves. What a grand plan! We each mind our own business.
Earlier, I described a person caught in the entanglement of obsessions and worry. I have known many people who have
had to (or have chosen to) live with serious problems such as an alcoholic spouse who never sobered up, a severely
handicapped child, and a teenager hell-bent
page_63Page 64on destroying himself through drugs and criminal behavior. These people learned to live with, and in spite of, their
problems. They grieved for their losses, then found a way to live their lives not in resignation, martyrdom, and despair,
but with enthusiasm, peace, and a true sense of gratitude for that which was good. They took care of their actual
responsibilities. They gave to people, they helped people, and they loved people. But they also gave to and loved
themselves. They held themselves in high esteem. They didn't do these things perfectly, or without effort, or instantly.
But they strived to do these things, and they learned to do them well.
I owe a debt of gratitude to these people. They taught me that detachment was possible. They showed me it could work. I
would like to pass that same hope on to you. It is my wish that you will find other people to pass that hope on to, for
detachment is real and thrives with reinforcement and nurturing.
Detachment is both an act and an art. It is a way of life. I believe it is also a gift. And it will be given to those who seek
it.
How do we detach? How do we extricate our emotions, mind, body, and spirit from the agony of entanglement? As best
we can. And, probably, a bit clumsily at first. An old AA. and Al-Anon saying suggests a three-part formula called
''HOW'': Honesty, Openness, and Willingness to try. 7
In the chapters ahead, I will discuss some specific concepts for detaching from certain forms of attachment. Many of the
other concepts I will discuss later will lead to detachment. You will have to decide how these ideas apply to you and your
particular situation and then find your own path. With a little humility, surrender, and effort on your part, I believe you
can do it. I believe detachment can become a habitual response, in the same manner that obsessing, worrying, and
controlling became habitual responsesby practice. You may not do it perfectly, but no one has. However, and at whatever
pace, you practice detachment in your life, I believe it will be right for you. I hope you will be able to detach with love
for the person or persons you are detaching from. I think it is better to do everything in an attitude of love. However, for
a variety of reasons, we can't always do that. If you can't detach in love, it