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unimportant) to you rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would
be if you had not been rejected. Feel any feelings that go with rejection; talk about your thoughts; but don't forfeit your
self-esteem to another's disapproval or rejection of who you are or what you have done. Even if the most important
person in your world rejects you, you are still real, and you are still okay. If you have done something inappropriate or
you need to solve a problem or change a behavior, then take appropriate steps to take care of yourself. But don't reject
yourself,

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and don't give so much power to other people's rejection of you. It isn't necessary.

We don't have to take things so personally. We take things to heart that we have no business taking to heart. For instance,
saying "If you loved me you wouldn't drink" to an alcoholic makes as much sense as saying "If you loved me, you
wouldn't cough" to someone who has pneumonia. Pneumonia victims will cough until they get appropriate treatment for
their illness. Alcoholics will drink until they get the same. When people with a compulsive disorder do whatever it is they
are compelled to do, they are not saying they don't love youthey are saying they don't love themselves.

We don't have to take little things personally either. If someone has a bad day or gets angry, don't assume it has
something to do with you. It may or may not have something to do with you. If it does you'll find out. Usually things
have far less to do with us than we think.

An interruption, someone else's bad mood, sharp tongue, bad day, negative thoughts, problems, or active alcoholism does
not have to run or ruin our lives, our day, or even an hour of our day. If people don't want to be with us or act healthy, it
is not a reflection on our self-worth. It reflects on their present circumstances. By practicing detachment we can lessen
our destructive reactions to the world around us. Separate yourself from things. Leave things alone, and let people be
who they are. Who are you to say that the interruption, mood, word, bad day, thought, or problem is not an important and
necessary part of life? Who are you to say that this problem won't ultimately be beneficial to you or someone else?

We don't have to react. We have options. That is the joy of recovery from codependency. And each time we exercise our
right to choose how we want to act, think, feel, and behave, we feel better and stronger.

"But," you might protest, "why shouldn't I react? Why shouldn't I say something back? Why shouldn't I be upset? He or
she deserves to bear the brunt of my turmoil." That may be, but you don't. We're talking here about your lack of peace,
your lack of serenity, your wasted moments. As Ralph Edwards used to say, ''This is your life." How do you

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want to spend it? You're not detaching for him or her. You're detaching for you. Chances are everyone will benefit by it.

We are like singers in a large chorus. If the guy next to us gets off key, must we? Wouldn't it help him, and us, more to
strive to stay on key? We can learn to hold our part.

We don't need to eliminate all our reactions to people and problems. Reactions can be useful. They help us identify what
we like and what feels good. They help us identify problems in and around us. But most of us react too much. And much
of what we react to is nonsense. It isn't all that important, and it doesn't merit the time and attention we're giving it. Some
of what we react to is other people's reactions to us. (I'm mad because he got mad; he got mad because I was angry; I was
angry because I thought he was angry with me; he wasn't angry, he was hurt because... )

Our reactions can be such a chain reaction that frequently everyone's upset and nobody knows why. They're just upset.
Then, everyone's out of control and being controlled. Sometimes people behave in certain ways to provoke us to react in
certain ways. If we stop reacting in these certain ways, we take all the fun out of it for them. We remove ourselves from
their control and take away their power over us.

Sometimes our reactions provoke other people to react in certain ways. We help them justify certain behaviors. (We don't
need any more of that, do we?) Sometimes reacting narrows our vision so much that we get stuck reacting to symptoms