selves, with all our faults, foibles, strong points, weak points, feelings, thoughts, and everything else. It's the best thing
we've got going for us. It's who we are, and who we were meant to be. And it's not a mistake. We are the greatest thing
that will ever happen to us. Believe it. It makes life much easier.
The only difference between codependents and the rest of the world is that the other people don't pick on themselves for
being who they are. All people think similar thoughts and have a range of feelings. All people make mistakes and do a
few things right. So we can leave ourselves alone.
We aren't second-class citizens. We don't deserve to lead secondhand lives. And we don't deserve second-best
relationships! We are lovable, and we are worth getting to know. People who love and like us aren't stupid or inferior for
doing that. We have a right to be happy.5 We deserve good things.
The people who look the most beautiful are the same as us. The only difference is they're telling themselves they look
good, and they're letting themselves shine through. The people who say the most profound, intelligent, or witty things are
the same as us. They're letting go, being who they are. The people who appear the most confident and relaxed are no
different from us. They've pushed themselves through fearful situations and told themselves they could make it. The
people who are successful are the same as us. They've gone ahead and developed their gifts and talents, and set goals for
themselves. We're even the same as the people
page_123Page 124on television: our heroes, our idols. We're all working with approximately the same materialhumanity. It's how we feel
about ourselves that makes the difference. It's what we tell ourselves that makes the difference.
We are good. We are good enough. We are appropriate to life. Much of our anxiety and fearfulness stems, I believe,
from constantly telling ourselves that we're just not up to facing the world and all its situations. Nathaniel Branden calls
this "a nameless sense of being unfit for reality." 6 I'm here to say we are fit for reality. Relax. Wherever we need to go
and whatever we need to do, we are appropriate for that situation. We will do fine. Relax. It's okay to be who we are.
Who or what else can we be? Just do our best at whatever we are called upon to do. What more can we do? Sometimes,
we can't even do our best; that's okay, too. We may have feelings, thoughts, fears, and vulnerabilities as we go through
life, but we all do. We need to stop telling ourselves we're different for doing and feeling what everyone else does.
We need to be good to ourselves. We need to be compassionate and kind to ourselves. How can we expect to take care
of ourselves appropriately if we hate or dislike ourselves?
We need to refuse to enter into an antagonistic relationship with ourselves. Quit blaming ourselves and being victimized,
and take responsible steps to remove the victim. Put the screws to guilt. Shame and guilt serve no long-term purpose.
They are only useful to momentarily indicate when we may have violated our own moral codes. Guilt and shame are not
useful as a way of life. Stop the "shoulds." Become aware of when we're punishing and torturing ourselves and make a
concerted effort to tell ourselves positive messages. If we should be doing something, do it. If we're torturing ourselves,
stop it. It gets easier. We can laugh at ourselves, tell ourselves we won't be tricked, give ourselves a hug, then go about
the business of living as we choose. If we have real guilt, deal with it. God will forgive us. He knows we did our best,
even if it was our worst. We don't have to punish ourselves by feeling guilty to prove to God or anyone else how much
we care.7 We need to forgive ourselves. Take the Fourth and Fifth Steps (see the chapter on working a Twelve Step pro-
page_124Page 125gram); talk to a clergy person; talk to God; make amends; and then be done with it.
We need to stop shaming ourselves. Shame, like guilt, serves absolutely no extended purpose. If people tell us, directly or
indirectly, that we ought to be ashamed, we don't have to believe it. Hating or shaming ourselves doesn't help except for
a moment. Name one situation that is improved by continuing to feel guilt or shame. Name one time when that has
solved a problem. How did it help? Most of the time, guilt and shame keep us so anxious we can't do our best. Guilt
makes everything harder.