Accept reality? Half the time we don't even know what reality is. We're lied to; we lie to ourselves; and our heads are
spinning. The other half of the time, facing reality is simply more than we can bear, more than anyone can bear. Why
should it be so mysterious that denial is an integral part of alcoholism or any serious problem that causes ongoing
page_132Page 133losses? We have too much to accept; our present circumstances are overwhelming. Frequently, we are so caught up in
crises and chaos trying to solve other people's problems that we're too busy to worry about accepting anything. Yet, we
must sometime come to terms with what is. If things are ever to be any different, we must accept reality. If we are ever
to replace our lost dreams with new dreams and feel sane and peaceful again, we must accept reality.
Please understand acceptance does not mean adaptation. It doesn't mean resignation to the sorry and miserable way
things are. It doesn't mean accepting or tolerating any sort of abuse. It means, for the present moment, we acknowledge
and accept our circumstances, including ourselves and the people in our lives, as we and they are. It is only from that
state that we have the peace and the ability to evaluate these circumstances, make appropriate changes, and solve our
problems. A person who is being abused will not make the decisions necessary to stop that abuse until he or she
acknowledges the abuse. The person must then stop pretending the abuse will somehow magically end, stop pretending it
doesn't exist, or stop making excuses for its existence. In a state of acceptance we are able to respond responsibly to our
environment. In this state we receive the power to change the things we can. Alcoholics cannot quit drinking until they
accept their powerlessness over alcohol and their alcoholism. People with eating disorders cannot solve their food
problems until they accept their powerlessness over food. Codependents cannot change until we accept our codependent
characteristicsour powerlessness over people, alcoholism, and other circumstances we have so desperately tried to
control. Acceptance is the ultimate paradox: we cannot change who we are until we accept ourselves the way we are.
Here is an excerpt from Honoring the Self on self-acceptance:
... If I can accept that I am who I am, that I feel what I feel, that I have done what I have doneif I can accept it
whether I like all of it or notthen I can accept myself. I can accept my shortcomings, my self-doubts, my poor
self-esteem. And when I can accept all that, I have put myself on the side of reality rather than
page_133Page 134attempting to fight reality. I am no longer twisting my consciousness in knots to maintain delusions about my
present condition. And so I clear the road for the first steps of strengthening my self-esteem....So long as we cannot accept the fact of what we are at any given moment of our existence, so long as we cannot
permit ourselves fully to be aware of the nature of our choices and actions, cannot admit the truth into our
consciousness, we cannot change. 5It has also been my experience that my Higher Power seems reluctant to intervene in my circumstances until I accept
what He has already given me. Acceptance is not forever. It is for the present moment. But it must be sincere and at gut-
level.
How do we achieve this peaceful state? How do we stare at stark reality without blinking or covering our eyes? How do
we accept all the losses, changes, and problems that life and people hurl at us?
Not without a little kicking and screaming. We accept things through a five-step process. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross first
identified the stages and this process as the way dying people accept their death, the ultimate loss.6 She called it the grief
process. Since then, mental health professionals have observed people go through these stages whenever they face any
loss. The loss could be minora five-dollar bill, not receiving an expected letteror it could be significantthe loss of a
spouse through divorce or death, the loss of a job. Even positive change brings losswhen we buy a new house and leave
the old oneand requires a progression through the following five stages. 7
- Denial