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thinking: the shoulds, awfuls, nevers, and always. We have justified angerall the mad feelings anyone would feel if
someone did that to him or her. We have the anger that covers up hurt and fear. Sad and scared feelings convert into
anger, and many of us have so much hurt and fear. We have anger that comes from feeling guilty. Guilt, both earned and
unearned, easily converts into anger. 5 Codependents have a lot of that too. Believe it or not, so do alcoholics. They're
just more adept at converting it into anger.

And we have reactive anger. We get angry because the other person feels angry. Then they get angrier, and we get
angrier because they got angrier. Soon everybody's angry, and no one is sure why. But we're all madand feeling guilty
about it.

Sometimes, we prefer to stay angry. It helps us feel less vulnerable and more powerful. It's like a protective shield. If
we're angry, we won't feel hurt or scared, at least not noticeably so.

Sadly, many of us have had no place to go with all that anger. We swallow it, bite our tongues, stiffen our shoulders,
push it into our stomachs, let it rattle around in our heads, run from it, medicate it, or give it a cookie. We blame
ourselves, turn anger into depression, put ourselves to bed, hope to die, and get sick because of it. Finally we ask God to
forgive us for being such horrible people for feeling anger in the first place.

Many of us have been in a real dilemma with our anger, especially if we are living in a family system that says, "Don't
feel; especially don't feel angry." The alcoholic certainly doesn't want to hear about how mad we feel. He or she probably
thinks our anger is unreasonable anyway, and it may bother him or her when we discuss it. Our anger may push the
alcoholic's guilt buttons. The alcoholic may even overpower us with his or her anger just to keep us guilty and repressed.

Frequently we can't or don't want to tell our parents how we feel. They may be mad at us for having a friendship with
someone who has an alcohol or other drug problem. Or our parents may only see the good side of the alcoholic or addict
and think we're unreasonable and unappreciative. Our friends may even become sick of hearing us complain.

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Some of us may feel so ashamed that we believe we can't tell our pastor or priest how angry we are. The clergy would
just call us sinners, and we don't need to hear any more of that. That's all we've been telling ourselves. Many of us
wouldn't think of turning to our Higher Power and expressing how angry we are.

So what do we do with all this built-up steam? The same thing we do with almost everything that has to do with us: we
repress it and feel guilty about it. Repressed anger, like other repressed emotions, causes problems. Sometimes our anger
may leak out inappropriately. We scream at someone we didn't intend to scream at. We wrinkle up our faces, curl our
lips, and help people feel like they don't want to be around us. We slam dishes around even though we can't afford to
break anything of material value because we've already lost so much.

Other times our anger may show its face in different ways. We may find ourselves not wanting, unable, or refusing to
enjoy sex. 6 We may find ourselves unable to enjoy anything. Then we add more self-hatred to our already heaping pile
by wondering what is wrong with us and going on our hostile way. When people ask us what's wrong, we tighten our jaw
and say, "Nothing. I feel just fine, thank you." We may even start doing little sneaky mean things or big sneaky mean
things to get even with those we're angry at.

If anger is repressed long enough, it will ultimately do more than leak out. Unpleasant feelings are like weeds. They don't
go away when we ignore them; they grow wild and take over. Our angry feelings may one day come roaring out. We say
things we don't mean. Or, as usually happens, we may say what we really mean. We may lose control and unleash
ourselves in a fighting, spitting, screeching, hair-pulling, dish-breaking rage. Or we may do something to hurt ourselves.
Or the anger may harden into bitterness, hatred, contempt, revulsion, or resentment.

And we still wonder, "What's wrong with me?"

We can repeat it to ourselves as often as necessary: There's nothing wrong with us. Like the book title says, Of Course
You're Angry!7 Of course we're that angry. We're that steamed because anybody in his or