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revenge." Many of us can't adhere to these mandates. Some of us think they mean: "Don't be angry." Many of us aren't
sure what we believe about anger. Some of us believe lies about anger.

Frequently, codependents and other people believe the following myths about anger:

· It's not okay to feel angry.

· Anger is a waste of time and energy.

· Good, nice people don't feel angry.

· We shouldn't feel angry when we do.

· We'll lose control and go crazy if we get angry.

· People will go away if we get angry with them.

· Other people should never feel anger toward us.

· If others get angry with us, we must have done something wrong.

· If other people are angry with us, we made them feel that way and we're responsible for fixing their feelings.

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· If we feel angry, someone else made us feel that way and that person is responsible for fixing our feelings.

· If we feel angry with someone, the relationship is over and that person has to go away.

· If we feel angry with someone, we should punish that person for making us feel angry.

· If we feel angry with someone, that person has to change what he or she is doing so we don't feel angry any more.

· If we feel angry, we have to hit someone or break something.

· If we feel angry, we have to shout and holler.

· If we feel angry with someone, it means we don't love that person any more.

· If someone feels angry with us, it means that person doesn't love us any more.

· Anger is a sinful emotion.

· It's okay to feel angry only when we can justify our feelings. 4

Many people in programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous believe they should never feel angry in their recovery. The
idea intended by recovery programs is that people learn to deal appropriately and immediately with anger, before it builds
into harmful resentments.

As codependents, we may be frightened of our anger and other people's anger. Maybe we believe one or more of the
myths. Or maybe we're frightened of anger for other reasons. Someone may have hit or abused us when he or she was
angry. Some of us may have hit or abused someone else when we felt angry. Sometimes just the raw level of energy that
accompanies someone's anger can be frightening, particularly if that person is drunk.

We react to anger, both ours and other people's. It is a provocative emotion. It can be contagious. And many of us have
so much of it to react to. We have so much of the anger that accompanies grief. We have the anger that comes from the
persecution stage of rescuing or caretaking. Many of us are stuck on that corner of the triangle. We have unreasonable
anger feelings that may be unjustified and caused by reactive, disastrous

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