cover

· Don't let anger control us. If we find ourselves being controlled by our angry feelings, we can stop ourselves. We don't

have to continue screaming. Don't misinterpret; sometimes screaming helps. Sometimes, however, it doesn't. It's better if

we decide, instead of letting our anger decide for us. We don't have to lose control of our actions. It's just energy, not a

magical curse over us. Detach. Go to another room. Go to another house. Get peaceful. Then figure out what we need to

do. We don't have to let other people's anger control us. I frequently hear codependents say, "I can't do this or that

because he

page_158

Page 159

(or she) will get angry." Don't jeopardize our safety, but strive to be free from anger's controlour anger or anyone

else's. We don't have to react to anger. It's only emotional energy. We don't even have to react by becoming angry, if

we don't want to. Try it sometime.

· Openly and honestly discuss our anger, when it's appropriate. But don't talk to a drunk when he's drunk. We can make

good decisions about expressing our anger openly and appropriately. Beware of how we approach people, though. Anger

frequently begets anger. Instead of venting our rage on the person, we can feel our feelings, think our thoughts, figure out

what we need from that person, and then go back to him or her and express that need, instead of hollering.

· Take responsibility for our anger. We can say: "I feel angry when you do this because.. ." not, "You made me mad."

However, I like to give people a little room in communication. We don't always have to say the words exactly right, as if

we just walked out of a therapy group. Be ourselves. Just understand we are responsible for our angry feelingseven if

they are an appropriate reaction to someone else's inappropriate behavior.

· Talk to people we trust. Talking about anger and being listened to and accepted really help clear the air. It helps us

accept ourselves. Remember, we can't move forward until we accept where we are. And yes, people care. We may have

to leave our house to find them, or go to Al-Anon meetings, but they are out there. If we have angry feelings that have

hardened into resentments, we can talk them out with a clergyperson or take a Fourth and Fifth Step. Resentments may

be hurting us a lot more than they're helping us.

· Burn off the anger energy. Clean the kitchen. Play softball. Exercise. Go dancing. Shovel the snow. Rake the yard.

Build a condominium if necessary. Anger is extremely stressful, and it helps to physically discharge that energy.

· Don't beat ourselves or others for feeling angry. Don't let other people hit us or abuse us in any way when they feel

angry. Don't hurt other people when we're angry. Seek professional help if abuse has occurred.

· Write letters we don't intend to send. If we feel guilty about anger, this really helps. Start the letter by asking: "If I could

feel angry about

page_159

Page 160

anything, nobody would ever know, and it wasn't wrong to feel this way, what I would be angry about is this... "

Once our anger is out on paper we can get past the guilt and figure out how to deal with it. If we are suffering from

depression, this exercise may help too.

· Deal with guilt. Get rid of the unearned guilt. Get rid of all of it. Guilt doesn't help. God will forgive us for anything we

have done. Besides, I bet He doesn't think we've done as much wrong as we think we have.

Once we begin dealing with anger, we may notice we feel angry much of the time. That's common. We're like kids with a
new toy. We'll settle down with it. Be patient. We aren't going to deal with it perfectly. No one does. We'll make
mistakes, but we'll also learn from them. The reason we're told to not seek revenge is because getting even is a common
response to anger. If we've done or do some inappropriate things, deal with earned guilt and go on from there. Strive for
progress.

We need to be gentle with ourselves if we've been repressing loads of angry feelings. Things take time. We may need to
be that angry for now. When we don't need to be angry any more, well quit feeling angry if we want to. If we think we