The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for Anxiety

Advanced Mindfulness Skills 105

doing, especially if you struggle with overwhelming emotions. Here are some other examples of
doing what’s effective:

 You’re in the grocery store shopping for your weekly supply of food, but unfortu-

nately, so are many other people. After shopping for an hour and waiting in line

for fifteen minutes, you feel exhausted. You’re so tired and annoyed that you think

about leaving your shopping cart and just walking out. But if you did walk out,

then you’d be without groceries for a week or you’d just have to start all over again

at some other supermarket. So you stay in line and just get it over with.

 You’re driving down the freeway and the car in front of you is driving below the

speed limit in the left-hand lane. You feel so angry that you think about smashing

into the car to push it out of the way. But if you did, you and the other driver

would be seriously injured, and chances are you’d also get arrested. So you patiently

wait for a chance to pass the driver, or you wait for your exit and then get off the

f reeway.

 You and your romantic partner get into a big argument. Both of you are yelling.

You feel so hurt and upset that you think about walking out the door and ending

the relationship. But in the back of your mind, you also recognize that this is the

best relationship you’ve had in a long time, and you wish that it would work out.

So, instead of leaving, you take a deep breath and use mindful “I” statements to

let your partner know how you’re feeling.

 Your boss gives you a new task even though you’re already burdened with more

work than you have time for. You feel insulted, angry, and taken advantage of.

You’re so mad that you think about screaming at your boss, telling him off, quitting,

and walking out the door. But if you did, then you’d be without a paycheck for a

long time. So you decide to bite your tongue for now until you can speak to your

boss more calmly at some point in the near future, and you do the best you can.

 You ask your friend to take you shopping because she has a car and you don’t. But

your friend says she can’t because she’s busy doing something else. You feel annoyed

and angry because you help her all the time when she asks you. You want to yell at

her and tell her what a lousy friend she is. But if you did, you might lose her friend-

ship completely. So instead of yelling, you call a different friend to ask for a ride.

As you can see, doing what’s effective sometimes means not doing what you feel like doing
or not doing what you’ve been habitually doing for many years. This is why mindfulness is such
an important part of doing what’s effective. If you’re going to change the way you behave in the
present moment, you have to be aware of what you’re thinking, feeling, and doing in the present
moment so that you can choose to do what’s effective.
Doing what’s effective also depends on not making judgments. You already know that making
both positive and negative judgments can lead to disappointment and suffering. But making judg-
ments about situations and your actions can also prevent you from doing what’s effective. Here’s