192 The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
old Habits—of the Passive Kind
Some old habits are of the passive rather than aggressive variety. You may have learned in
your family how to shut down or surrender when there is a conflict. You can use the same Conflict
Log (using “Passive Strategy” rather than “Aversive Strategy” in column four to track conflicts
when you withdraw or shut down.
After keeping the log, ask these questions:
What kind of needs or situations trigger your use of aversive or passive strategies? Which strategies do you most frequently rely on? Are you getting what you want using aversive or passive strategies? What are the most frequent emotional consequences for using these strategies?The assertiveness skills in the next chapter will give you more effective alternatives to the
aversive and passive responses you’ve typically used.
overwhelming emotion
A third major block to using interpersonal skills is high emotion. Sometimes your best inten-
tions and most carefully laid plans go up in smoke when you’re upset. For some people, particularly
those who have grown up in abusive homes, getting angry can cause a dissociative fugue state. In
that frame of mind, they may do or say things that, on later reflection, seem to have been done
by someone else. “It didn’t feel like me telling my wife to get out,” one man insisted. “I felt like I
was possessed, in the control of some force outside myself.”
There is good evidence that angry, dissociative states are responsible for a lot of emotional
and even physical violence. What can you do when overwhelming emotion threatens to unravel
your hard-won interpersonal skills? There are two things you can learn to do right now. First,
pay attention to the red flags that indicate you’re starting to lose control. Different people have
different signals. Here are some that are typical:
Feeling hot or flushed Heart pounding Short of breath Tension in your hands, arms, forehead, or shoulders Talking more rapidly or more loudly than usual Feeling a strong need to win, to crush someone, to make them feel bad