214 The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
“I can see why you want to go late, out of the hot sun, but I’m not comfortable trying
to stay up so long after my bedtime.”Notice that the key phrases are “I’d prefer” and “I’m not comfortable.” You don’t offer a lot
of justification for your position; you don’t argue. You just validate and decline. The important
thing is not giving the other person anything to use against you. No one can really argue with
preferences or feelings.
Exercise: Building an Assertive Hierarchy
Learning assertiveness (including saying no) takes practice and willingness to take some risks. But
you need to get your feet wet in low-risk situations, then work toward more anxiety-provoking
encounters.
Make a list of situations where you want to make a change, say no, or set limits. Include
problems with family, friends, people who work for or with you, authorities, and so on. Now rank
the list from 1 to 10 in terms of risk and difficulty, with 1 being the least challenging and 10 being
the most challenging situation.
ASSERTIvE SIT uATION HIERARCHY
Rank Situation