82 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
Chatty teenager. Your teenage nephew moved in with you
when his father (your brother) passed away and your sister-in
law could no longer handle him. He was starting to hang with
the wrong crowd. He has always gotten along with you, and
things have been going well except in one area: He spends hours
on the phone and Internet-most of his waking hours. In light of
what he could be doing, you're not really disturbed, but it has
been hard for you to make calls and check your email. You said
something to him about cutting back his time on the phone and
online, and he came back with: "Please don't send me to a youth
home! I'll be good! I promise. I'll stop talking to my friends; just
don't send me away."
Formulate a contrasting statement.
I don't want. ___ _
I do want ___ _
CRIB TO GET TO MUTUAL PURPOSE
Let's add one more skill. Sometimes we find ourselves in the
middle of a debate because we clearly have different purposes.
There is no misunderstanding here. Contrasting won't do the
trick. We need something sturdier for this job.
For instance, you've just been offered a promotion that will
help propel your career along a faster track and bring you a great
deal more authority, and it pays enough to help soften the blow
of displacement. That last part is important because you'll have
to move the family across the country and your spouse and kids
love where you currently live.
You expected your spouse to have feelings of ambivalence
over the move, but he or she doesn't seem to be bivaling even a
tiny bit. To your spouse the promotion is a bad news/bad news
event. First, you have to move, and second, you'll work even