Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

MAKE IT SAFE 83

longer hours. That whole thing about more money and power
doesn't seem to be compensating. Now what?
The worst at dialogue either ignore the problem and push
ahead or roll over and let others have their way. They opt for
either competition or submission. Both strategies end up making
winners and losers, and the problem continues long beyond the
initial conversation.
The good at dialogue move immediately toward compromise.
For example, the couple facing the transfer sets up two house­
holds-one where one spouse will be working and one where
the family currently lives. Nobody really wants this arrangement,
and frankly, it's a pretty ugly solution that's bound to lead to
more serious problems, even divorce. While compromise is
sometimes necessary, the best know better than to start there.
The best at dialogue use four skills to look for a Mutual Purpose.
The four skills they use form the acronym CRIB.

.commit to Seek Mutual Purpose

As is true with most dialogue skills, if you want to get back to dia­

logue, you have to Start with Heart. In this case, you have to agree

to agree. To be successful, we have to stop using silence or vio­

lence to compel others to our view. We must even surrender false

dialogue, where we pretend to have Mutual Purpose (calmly argu­

ing our side until the other person gives in). We Start with Heart

by committing to stay in the conversation until we come up with

a solution that serves a purpose we both share.

This can be tough. To stop arguing, we have to suspend our

belief that our choice is the absolute best and only one, and that

we'll never be happy until we get exactly what we currently

want. We have to open our mind to the fact that maybe, just

maybe, there is a different choice out there-one that suits

everyone.