Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

100 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

Finally, a story might also include what. "What should I do
about all this? If I say something, he'll think I'm a whiner or
oversensitive or militant, so it's best to clam up."
Of course, as we come up with our own meaning or stories, it
isn't long until our body responds with strong feelings or emo­
tions-they're directly linked to our judgments of right/wrong,
good/bad, kind/selfish, fair/unfair, etc. Maria's story yields anger
and frustration. These feelings, in turn, drive Maria to her
actions-toggling back and forth between clamming up and tak­
ing an occasional cheap shot (see Figure 6-3).
Even if you don't realize it, you are telling yourself stories.
When we teach people that it's our stories that drive our emotions
and not other people's actions, someone inevitably raises a hand
and says, "Wait a minute! I didn't notice myself telling a story.
When that guy laughed at me during my presentation, I just felt
angry. The feelings came first; the thoughts came second."
Storytelling typically happens blindingly fast. When we
believe we're at risk, we tell ourselves a story so quickly that we
don't even know we're doing it. If you don't believe this is true,
ask yourself whether you always become angry when someone

See!

Hear

Tell a

Story Feel

Louis He doesn't hurt $ilenoe

makes all -....... trust mel -.......womed-"""'Cheap

the points, thinkS I'm shots

meets prt- weak. If I

vately With speak up

the boss I'U Jook too

emotional

Figure 6-3. Maria's Path to Action