Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

(ff) #1
MASTER MY STORIES 107

and we are good and right. Other people do bad things, and we
suffer as a result.
In truth, there is such a thing as an innocent victim. You're
stopped in the street and held up at gunpoint. When an event
such as this occurs, it's a sad fact, not a story. You are a victim.
But all tales of victimization are not so one-sided. When you
tell a Victim Story, you ignore the role you played in the prob­
lem. You tell your story in a way that judiciously avoids facts
about whatever you have done (or neglected to do) that might
have contributed to the problem.
For instance, last week your boss took you off a big project,
and it hurt your feelings. You complained to everyone about
how bad you felt. Of course, you failed to let your boss know
that you were behind on an important project, leaving him
high and dry-which is why he removed you in the first place.
This part of the story you leave out because, hey, he made you
feel bad.
To help support your Victim Stories you speak of nothing but
your noble motives. "I took longer because I was trying to beat
the standard specs." Then you tell yourself that you're being pun­
ished for your virtues, not your vices. "He just doesn't appreci­
ate a person with my superb attention to detail." (This added
twist turns you from victim into martyr. What a bonus!)


Villain Stories -"It's All Yo ur Fault"

We create these nasty little tales by turning normal, decent
human beings into villains. We impute bad motive, and then we
tell everyone about the evils of the other party as if somehow
we're doing the world a huge favor.
For example, we describe a boss who is zealous about quality
liS a control freak. When our spouse is upset that we didn't keep
a commitment, we see him or her as inflexible and stubborn.
In Victim Stories we eX�lggcrate our own innocence. In Vi llain

Free download pdf