106 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
tions that, in turn, create strong emotions. They are story, not fact.
Notice how much different it is when you say: "Her eyes pinched
shut and her lips tightened," as opposed to "She scowled at me." In
Maria's case, she suggested that Louis was controlling and didn't
respect her. Had she focused on his behavior (he talked a lot and
met with the boss one-on-one), this less volatile description would
have allowed for any number of interpretations. For example, per
haps Louis was nervous, concerned, or unsure of himself.
Watch for Three "Clever" Stories
As we begin to piece together why people are doing what they're
doing (or equally important, why we're doing what we're doing),
with time and experience we become quite good at coming up
with explanations that serve us well. Either our stories are com
pletely accurate and propel us in healthy directions, or they're
quite inaccurate but justify our current behavior-making us feel
good about ourselves and calling for no need to change.
It's the second kind of story that routinely gets us into trouble.
For example, we move to silence or violence, and then we come
up with a perfectly plausible reason for why it's okay. "Of course
I yelled at him. Did you see what he did? He deserved it." "Hey,
don't be gi"ing me the evil eye. I had no other choice." We call
these imaginative and self-serving concoctions "clever stories."
They're clever because they allow us to feel good about behaving
badly. Better yet, they allow us to feel good about behaving badly
even while achieving abysmal results.
Among all of the clever stories we tell, here are the three most
common.
Victim Stories-lilt's Not My Fault"The first of the clever stories is a Victim Story. Victim Stories, as
you might imagine, make us out to be innocent sufferers. The
theme is always the same. The other person is bad and wrong,