STATE MY PATH 121Fearful they could easily destroy a healthy relationship, those
who are good at dialogue say some of what's on their minds but
understate their views out of fear of hurting others. They talk,
but they sugarcoat their message.
The best at dialogue speak their minds completely and do it in
a way that makes it safe for others to hear what they have to say
and respond to it as well. They are both totally frank and com
pletely respectful.
MAINTAIN SAFETYIn order to speak honestly when honesty could easily offend oth
ers, we have to find a way to maintain safety. That's a bit like
telling someone to smash another person in the nose, but, you
know, don't hurt him. How can we speak the unspeakable and still
maintain respect? Actually, it can be done if you know how to
carefully blend three ingredients-confidence, humility, and skill.
Confidence. Most people simply won't hold delicate conversa
tions-well, at least not with the right person. For instance, your
colleague Brian goes home at night and tells his wife that his boss,
Fernando, is micromanaging him to within an inch of his life. He
says the same thing over lunch when talking with his pals. Every
one knows what Brian thinks about Fernando-except, of course,
Fernando.
People who are skilled at dialogue have the confidence to say
what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it. They
are confident that their opinions deserve to be placed in the pool
of meaning. They are also confident that they can speak openly
without brutalizing others or causing undue offense.
Humility. Confidence does not equate to arrogance or pig
headedness. Skilled people are confident that they have some
thing to say, but also realize that others have valuable input. They
al'e humble enough to realize that they don't have a monopoly on