122 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSthe truth. Their opinions provide a starting point but not the final
word. They may currently believe something but realize that with
new information they may change their minds. This means
they're willing to both express their opinions and encourage oth
ers to do the same
Skill. Finally, people who willingly share delicate information
are good at doing it. That's why they're confident in the first
place. They don't make a Sucker's Choice because they've found
a path that allows for both candor and safety. They speak the
unspeakable, and people are grateful for their honesty.
Good Night and Good-Bye!
To see how to discuss sensitive issues, let's look at an enormously
difficult problem. Bob has just walked in the door, and his wife,
Carole, looks upset. He can tell from her swollen eyes that she's
been crying. Only when he walks in the door, Carole doesn't turn
to him for comfort. Instead, she looks at him with an expression
that says "How could you?" Bob doesn't know it yet, but Carole
thinks he's having an affair. He's not.
How did Carole come to this dangerous and wrong con
clusion? Earlier that day she had been going over the credit card
statement when she noticed a charge from the Good Night
Motel-a cheap place located not more than a mile from their
home. "Why would he stay in a motel so close to home?" she
wonders. "And why didn't I know about it?" Then it hits her
"That unfaithful jerk!"
Now what's the worst way Carole might handle this (one that
doesn't involve packing up and moving back to Wisconsin)?
What's the worst way of talking about the problem? Most peo
ple agree that jumping in with an ugly accusation followed by a
threat is a good candidate for that distinction. It's also what most
people do, and Carole is no exception.