124 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSstay in dialogue. That holds true for anybody with any crucial
conversation (i.e., It feels like you micromanage me; I fear you're
using drugs). That means that despite your worst suspicions, you
shouldn't violate respect. In a similar vein, you shouldn't kill
safety with threats and accusations.
So what should you do? Start with Heart. Think about what you
really want and how dialogue can help you get it. And master your
story-realize that you may be jumping to a hasty Victim, Villain,
or Helpless Story. The best way to fm d out the true story is not to
act out the worst story you can generate. That will lead to self
destructive silence and violence games. Think about other possible
explanations long enough to temper your emotions so you can get
to dialogue. Besides, if it turns out you're right about your initial
impression, there will be plenty of time for confrontations later on.
Once you've worked on yourself to create the right conditions
for dialogue, you can then draw upon five distinct skills that can
help you talk about even the most sensitive topics. These five tools
can be easily remembered with the acronym STATE. It stands for:
- Share your facts
- Tell your story
- Ask for others' paths
- Talk tentatively
- E.ncourage testing
The first three skills describe what to do. The last two tell how
to do it.
The "What" Skills
,Share Your Facts
In the last chapter we suggested that if you retrace your Path to
Action to the source, you eventually arrive at the ("acts. For