Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

142 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

The answer is a resounding "It depends." If you want to let a
sleeping dog lie (or, in this case, a potential train wreck go unat­
tended), then say nothing. It's the other person who seems to
have something to say but refuses to open up. It's the other per­
son who's blown a cork. Run for cover. You can't take responsi­
bility for someone else's thoughts and feelings. Right?
Then again, you'll never work through your differences until
all parties freely add to the pool of meaning. That means the peo­
ple who are blowing up or clamming up must participate as well.
And while it's true that you can't force others to dialogue, you
can take steps to make it safer for them to do so. After all, that's
why they've sought the security of silence or violence in the first
place. They're afraid that dialogue will make them vulnerable.
Somehow they believe that if they engage in real conversation
with you, bad things will happen. Your daughter, for instance,
believes that if she talks with you, she'll be lectured, grounded,
and cut off from the only guy who seems to care about her.
Restoring safety is your greatest hope to get your relationship
back on track.

EXPLORE OTHERS' PATHS

In Chapter 5 we recommended that whenever you notice safety

is at risk, you should step out of the conversation and restore it.

When you have offended others through a thoughtless act, apol­

ogize. Or if someone has misunderstood your intent, use

Contrasting. Explain what you do and don't intend. Finally, if

you're simply at odds, find a Mutual Purpose.

Now we add one more skill: Explore Others' Paths. Since

we've added a model of what's going on inside another person's

head (the Path to Action), we now have a whole new tool for

helping others feel safe. If we can find a way to let others know

that it's okay to share their Path to Action-their facts, and yes,