EXPLORE OTHERS' PATHS 1 43even their nasty stories and ugly feelings-then they'll be more
likely to open up.
But what does it take?
Start with Heart-Get Ready to listen
Be sincere. To get at others' facts and stories, we have to invite
them to share what's on their minds. We'll look at how to do this
in a minute. For now, let's highlight the point that when you do
invite people to share their views, you must mean it. For exam
ple, consider the following incident. A patient is exiting a health
care facility. The desk attendant can tell that she is a bit uneasy,
maybe even dissatisfied.
"Did everything go all right with the procedure?" the clerk asks.
"Mostly, " the patient replies. (If ever there was a hint that
something was wrong, the term "mostly" has to be it.)
"Good," the clerk abruptly responds and then follows with a
resounding, "Next!"
This is a classic case of pretending to be interested. It falls under
the "How are you today?" category of inquiries. Meaning: "Please
don't say anything of substance. I'm really just making small talk."
When you ask people to open up, be prepared to listen.
Be curious. When you do want to hear from others (and you
should because it adds to the pool of meaning), the best way to get
at the truth is by making it safe for them to express the stories that
are moving them to either silence or violence. This means that at
the very moment when most people become furious, we need to
become curious. Rather than respond in kind, we need to wonder
what's behind the ruckus.
But how? How can we possibly act curious when others are
either attacking us or heading for cover? People who routinely
seek to fi nd out why others are feeling unsafe have learned that
getting at the SOUl-ce or fear and discomfort is the best way to