EXPLORE OTHERS' PATHS 145ing what they're saying. Unfortunately, since it's rarely fun to
hear other people's unflattering stories, we begin to assign nega
tive motives to them for telling the stories. For example:
CLERK: Well aren't you the ungrateful one! The kind doctor
devotes his whole life to helping people and now that he's
a little gray around the edges, you want to send him out
to pasture!To avoid overreacting to others' stories, stay curious. Give
your brain a problem to stay focused on. Ask: "Why would a rea
sonable, rational, and decent person say this?" This question
keeps you retracing the other person's Path to Action until you
see how it all fits together. And in most cases, you end up seeing
that under the circumstances, the individual in question drew a
fairly reasonable conclusion.
Be patient. When others are acting out their feelings and
opinions through silence or violence, it's a good bet they're
starting to feel the effects of adrenaline. Even if we do our best
to safely and effectively respond to the other person's possible
onslaught, we still have to face up to the fact that it's going to
take a little while for him or her to settle down. Say, for exam
ple, that a friend dumps out an ugly story and you treat it with
respect and continue on with the conversation. Even if the two
of you now share a similar view, it may seem like your friend is
still pushing too hard. While it's natural to move quickly from
one thought to the next, strong emotions take a while to sub
side. Once the chemicals that fuel emotions are released, they
hang around in the bloodstream for a time-in some cases, long
after thoughts have changed.
So be patient when exploring how others think and feel.
Encourage them to share their path and then wait for their emo
tions to catch up with the safety that you've created.