144 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONSreturn to dialogue. Either they've seen others do it, or they've
stumbled on the formula themselves. In either case, they realize
that the cure to silence or violence isn't to respond in kind, but
to get at the source. This calls for genuine curiosity-at a time
when you're likely to be feeling frustrated or angry.
To help turn your visceral tendency to respond in kind into
genuine curiosity, look for opportunities to be curious. Start with
a situation where you observe someone becoming emotional and
you're still under control-such as a meeting (when you're not
personally under attack and are less likely to get hooked). Do
your best to get at the person's source of fear or anger. Look for
chances to tum on your curiosity rather than kick-start your
adrenaline.
To illustrate what can happen as we exercise our curiosity, let's
return to our nervous patient.
CLERK: Did everything go all right with the procedure?
PATIENT: Mostly.
CLERK: It sounds like you had a problem of some kind. Is
that right?
PATIENT: I'll say. It hurt quite a bit. And besides, isn't the
doctor, like, uh, way too old?
In this case, the patient is reluctant to speak up. Perhaps if
she shares her honest opinion, she will insult the doctor, or
maybe the loyal staff members will become offended. To deal
with the problem, the desk attendant lets the patient know
that it's safe to talk (as much with his tone as with his words),
and she opens up.
Stay curious. When people begin to share their volatile stories
and feelings, we now face the risk of pulling out our own Victim,
Villain, and Helpless Stories to help us explain why they're say-