Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

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  • Don't cop out with a vote. When everyone cares a great deal
    about an issue and people are having trouble coming to a
    choice, don't stop and call for a vote. Votes should never replace
    patient analysis and healthy dialogue. If you find yourself say­
    ing, "All right, we'll never agree so let's vote," you're copping
    out.


Surviving the Joys of Consensus


Imagine you're working with six people, all housed in a tight
space. Things are sailing along smoothly until one day when a
new employee shows up with a huge boom box-it looks like a
storage shed with a handle on top. It has its own set of wheels.
Thirty seconds later, the pulsing sounds of a band called Decibel
Death fill your area. You're not happy. You fear your head will
explode. How might you handle this?
Or how about this challenge? How do you decide the temper­
ature of the room you share?
Or how about this one? Where does the entire family go on
vacation?
Or if you want to take on a real corker-who performs the
most distasteful jobs at home and at work?
These are the kinds of decisions where neither consultation nor
command tools work very well. Everyone is affected, everyone
cares, and there are several options-not equally liked. This kind
of crucial conversation calls for consensus. Everyone meets, hon­
estly and openly discusses the choices, comes up with a variety of
ideas, and jointly makes a decision that each person agrees to sup­
port. As is the case with all crucial conversations, this is not an
easy process and is routinely handled poorly. Here are some hints
for avoiding common mistakes.



  • Don't fo rce consensus onto everything. As Abraham Maslow
    once said, "If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to

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