Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER 183

Figure 10-2. The Dialogue Model

breaks of our own Style Under Stress. When we see these or sim­
ilar behaviors, we know that safety is weak. This is a cue to step
out of the content of the conversation, strengthen safety, and
then step back in. Remember, don't back away or weaken the
argument. Just rebuild safety. Do it quickly. The further you
move from dialogue into silence or violence, the harder it is to
get back and the greater the costs.
Now, let's add people to our model.
Me and Others. (Figure 10 -2). You are the "ME" arrow on the
model. Others are included in the "OTHER" arrow. The arrows
(both pointed to the center of the pool) show that both we and
others are in dialogue. All our meaning is flowing freely into the
shared pool. Learn to Look means we watch for when either of
these two arrows begins to point upward or downward, toward
silence or violence. When this happens, either you or others are
starting to play games.
Wa tching and building conditions. (Figure 10 -3). When you
sec yourself drifting to sikncc or violence, Start with Heart. Keep