Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

200 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

then disagree with yourself. Let people know that all ideas are

open to question. If you need to, leave the room. Give people

some breathing space.

FAILED TRUST

n YEA H,

BUT. ..

I DON'T KNOW WHAT to do. I'm not sure I can trust this

person. He missed an important deadline. Now I wonder

if I should trust him again."

The Danger Point
People often assume that trust is something you have or don't
have. Either you trust someone or you don't. That puts too much
pressure on trust. "What do you mean I can't stay out past mid­
night? Don't you trust me?" your teenage son inquires.
Trust doesn't have to be universally offered. In truth, it's usu­
ally offered in degrees and is very topic specific. It also comes in
two flavors-motive and ability. For example, you can trust me
to administer CPR if needed; I'm motivated. But you can't trust
me to do a good job; I know nothing about it.

The Solution

Deal with trust around the issue, not around the person.

When it comes to regaining trust in others, don't set the bar

too high. Just try to trust them in the moment, not across all

issues. You don't have to trust them in everything. To make it

safe for yourself in the moment, bring up your concerns.

Tentatively STATE what you see happening. "I get the sense that

you're only sharing the good side of your plan. I need to hear the

possible risks before I'm comfortable. Is that okay?" If they play

games, call them on it.