Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

YEAH, BUT 205

that place the responsibility on the team members while giving
you information early enough that you aren't left high and dry.

SHOWS A PATTERN

IT ISN'T A SINGLE PROBLEM. It's that I keep having to

talk with people about the same problem. I feel like I

u YEA H,

BUT... have to choose between being a nag and putting up

with the problem. Now what?"

The Danger Point

Some crucial conversations go poorly because you're having the
wrong conversations. You talk to someone who is late for a
meeting for the second time, Then the third. Your blood begins
to boil. Then you bite your lip and give another gentle reminder.
Finally, after your resentment builds up (because you're telling
yourself an ugly story), you become violent. You make a sarcas­
tic or cutting comment and then end up looking stupid because
the reaction seems way out of line given the minor offense.
If you continue to return to the original problem (coming in
late) without talking about the new problem (failing to live up to
commitments), you're stuck in "Groundhog Day." We talk about
this problem using the Groundhog Day movie metaphor. If you
return to the same initial problem, you're like Bill Murray in the
movie-you're forced to relive the same situation over and over
rather than deal with the bigger problem. Nothing ever gets
resolved.

The Solution

Learn to Look for patterns. Don't focus exclusively on a single

event. Watch fol' behavior over time. Then STATE Your Path by

talking about th(: pu1t(:rn, Por example, if a person is late for