210 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
The Solution
First, don't repress your story. Use your STATE skills early on,
before the story turns too ugly. Second, if you have let the prob
lem build, don't hold the crucial conversation while angry. Set
aside a time when you can discuss it in a calm fashion. Then,
using your STATE skills, explain what you've seen and heard,
and tentatively tell the most simple and least offensive story.
"The way you just told me that our neighbor thinks I'm a real
idiot has me worried. You smiled and laughed when you said it.
I'm beginning to wonder if you take pleasure in running to me
with negative feedback. Is that what's going on?"
If you do say something horrible-"You're cruel, you know
that? You love to hurt me and I'm sick of it" -apologize. You
can't uming the bell, but you can apologize. Then STATE Your
Path.
TOUCHY AND PERSONAL
IlYEAH,
BUT...WHAT IF SOMEONE has a hygiene problem? Or maybe
someone's boring and people avoid him or her. How
could you ever talk about something personal and
sensitive like that?"The Danger Point
Most people avoid sensitive issues like the plague. Who can blame
them? Unfortunately, when fear and misapplied compassion rule
over honesty and courage, people can go for years without being
given information that could be extremely helpful.
When people do speak up, they often leap from silence to vio
lence. Jokes, nicknames, and other veiled attempts to sneak in
vague feedback are both indirect and disrespectful. Also, the