Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

YEAH, BUT 209

other hand, caught by surprise, tend to respond in kind, becom­
ing angry and insulting.

The Solution

Show zero tolerance for insubordination. Speak up immediately,
but respectfully. Change topics from the issue at hand to how the
person is currently acting. Catch the escalating disrespect before
it turns into abuse and insubordination. Let the person know
that his or her passion for the issue at hand is leading down a
dangerous trail. "I'd like to step away from this scheduling issue
for a moment-then we'll come right back to it. The way you're
leaning in toward me and raising your voice seems disrespectful.
I want to help address your concerns, but I'm going to have a
tough time doing so if this continues."
If you can't catch it early, discuss the insubordination and seek
help from HR specialists.

REGRETTING SAYING SOMETHING HORRIBLE

nYEAH,

BUT ...

SOMETIMES I LET A PROBLEM go fo r a long time, and

then when I bring it up, I say something just awful.

How do I recover from this?"

The Danger Point

When other people do things that bother us, and then we tell
ourselves a story about how they're bad and wrong, we're setting
ourselves up for an unhealthy conversation. Of course, when we
tell ourselves an ugly story and then sit on it, it only gets worse.
Stories left unattended don't get better with time-they ferment.
Then, when we eventually can't take it anymore, we say some­
thing we regret.