24 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
Now, don't get us wrong. We're not suggesting that every
decision be made by consensus or that the boss shouldn't take
part in or even make the fi nal choice. We're simply suggesting
that whatever the decision-making method, the greater the
shared meaning in the pool, the better the choice-whoever
makes it.
Every time we find ourselves arguing, debating, running away,
or otherwise acting in an ineffective way, it's because we don't
know how to share meaning. Instead of engaging in healthy dia
logue, we play silly and costly games.
For instance, sometimes we move to silence. We play Salute
and Stay Mute. That is, we don't confront people in positions of
authority. Or at home we may play Freeze Your Lover. With this
tortured technique we give loved ones the cold shoulder in order
to get them to treat us better (what's the logic in that?).
Sometimes we rely on hints, sarcasm, innuendo, and looks of
disgust to make our points. We play the martyr and then pretend
we're actually trying to help. Afraid to confront an individual, we
blame an entire team for a problem-hoping the message will hit
the right target. Whatever the technique, the overall method is
the same. We withhold meaning from the pool. We go to silence.
On other occasions, not knowing how to stay in dialogue, we
rely on violence-anything from subtle manipulation to verbal
attacks. We act like we know everything, hoping people will
believe our arguments. We discredit others, hoping people won't
believe their arguments. And then we use every manner of force
to get our way. We borrow power from the boss; we hit people
with biased monologues. The goal, of course, is always the
same-to compel others to our point of view.
Now, here's how the various elements fit together. When stakes
are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong, we're often at
our worst. In order to move to our best, we have to find a way to
explain what is in each of our personal pools of meaning-