68 CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
The best don't play games. They know that dialogue is the free
flow of meaning-with no pretending, sugarcoating, or faking.
So they do something completely different. They step out of the
content of the conversation, make it safe, and then step back in.
Once you've spotted safety problems, you can talk about the
most challenging of topics by stepping out of the content and
building enough safety that almost anything becomes discussable.
For example: "Can we change gears for a minute? I'd like to talk
about what happens when we're not romantically in sync. It would
be good if we could both share what's working and what isn't. My
goal isn't to make you feel guilty, and I certainly don't want to
become defensive. What I'd really love is for us to come up with a
solution that makes us both satisfied in our relationship."
NOTICE WHICH CONDITION IS AT RISKNow, let's look at a couple of pieces that help us establish safety
even when the topic is high risk, controversial, and emotional. The
first step to building more safety is to understand which of the two
conditions of safety is at risk. Each requires a different solution.
Mutual PurposeWhy Talk in the First Place?
Remember the last time someone gave you difficult feedback and
you didn't become defensive? Say a friend said some things to
you that most people might get upset over. In order for this per
son to be able to deliver the delicate message, you must have
believed he or she cared about you, or about your goals and
objectives. That means you trusted his or her purposes so you
were willing to listen to some pretty tough feedback.
Crucial conversations often go awry not because of the con
tent of the conversation, but because others believe that the