MAKE IT SAFE 69painful and pointed content means that you have a malicious
intent. How can they feel safe when they believe you're out to do
them harm? Soon, every word out of your mouth is suspect.
Consequently, the first condition of safety is Mutual Purpose.
Mutual Purpose means that others perceive that we are working
toward a common outcome in the conversation, that we care
about their goals, interests, and values. And vice versa. We
believe they care about ours. Consequently, Mutual Purpose is
the entry condition of dialogue. Find a shared goal and you have
both a good reason and a healthy climate for talking.
For example, if Jotham believes that Yvonne's purpose in rais
ing this topic is to make him feel guilty or to get her way, this
conversation is doomed from the outset. If he believes she really
cares about making things better for him and herself, she may
have a chance.
Wa tch fo r signs that Mutual Purpose is at risk. How do we
know when the safety problem we're seeing is due to a lack of
Mutual Purpose? It's actually fairly easy to spot. First and fore
most, when purpose is at risk, we end up in debate. When others
start forcing their opinions into the pool of meaning, it's often
because they figure that we're trying to win and they need to do
the same. Other signs that purpose is at risk include defensiveness,
hidden agendas (the silence form of fouled-up purpose), accusa
tions, and circling back to the same topic. Here are some crucial
questions to help us determine when Mutual Purpose is at risk:
- Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation?
- Do they trust my motives?
Remember the Mutual in Mutual Purpose. Just a word to the
wise. Mutual Purpose is not a technique. To succeed in crucial
conversations, we must really care about the interests of others
not just our own. The purpose has to be truly mutual. If our goal