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Jesus could have manipulated the situation so that it was less
hard to swallow. He could have said, “Well, how about ninety
percent?” After all, he’s God, and he makes up the rules! But he
didn’t. He knew that the young man had to know whom to wor-
ship. So he let him walk away.
We can do no less. We can’t manipulate people into swal-
lowing our boundaries by sugarcoating them. Boundaries are a
“litmus test” for the quality of our relationships. Those people
in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills,
our opinions, our separateness. Those who can’t respect our
boundaries are telling us that they don’t love our no. They only
love our yes, our compliance.
When Jesus said, “Woe to you when all men speak well of
you, for that is how their fathers treated the false prophets”
(Luke 6:26), he was saying, “Don’t be an ear tickler. Don’t be a
chronic peacemaker.” If everything you say is loved by everyone,
the odds are good that you’re bending the truth.
Setting limits has to do with telling the truth. The Bible
clearly distinguishes between those who love truth and those
who don’t. First, there is the person who welcomes your bound-
aries. Who accepts them. Who listens to them. Who says, “I’m
glad you have a separate opinion. It makes me a better person.”
This person is called wise, or righteous.
The second type hates limits. Resents your difference. Tries
to manipulate you into giving up your treasures. Try our “litmus
test” experiment with your significant relationships. Tell them no
in some area. You’ll either come out with increased intimacy—
or learn that there was very little to begin with.
So what does Debbie, whose husband is an avowed “bound-
ary buster,” do? Will her husband carry out his threat to walk out
on her? He might. We can’t control the other person. But if the
only thing keeping Debbie’s husband home is her total compli-
ance, is this a marriage at all? And how will problems ever be
addressed when she and he avoid them?
Do Debbie’s boundaries condemn her to a life of isolation?
Absolutely not. If telling the truth causes someone to leave you,
Boundaries