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It wasn’t until Nathan’s marriage began suffering that he
began questioning his past. He naively married a woman who
manipulated and controlled him. Several years into the mar-
riage, he knew it was in serious trouble. But to Nathan’s sur-
prise, he was not only angry at himself for getting into this mess,
but also at his parents for not equipping him with tools for han-
dling life better.
Because he genuinely loved the warm family in which he
was raised, Nathan felt guilty and disloyal when he remembered
occasions in which his attempts to separate from his parents and
set his own limits were constantly and lovingly frustrated. Mom
would cry about his argumentativeness. Dad would tell Nathan
not to upset his mom. And Nathan’s boundaries remained
immature and nonfunctional. The more clearly he saw what this
had cost him, the angrier he felt. “I made my own choices in
life,” he said. “But life would have been a lot better had they
helped me learn to say no to people.”
Did Nathan remain angry at his parents forever? No, and
neither do you have to. As hostile feelings surface, bring them
to relationship. Confess them. The Bible tells us to tell the truth
to each other about our lacks, so that we may be healed (James
5:16). Experience the grace of God through others who love you
in your anger. This is a first step toward resolving past anger.
A second step is to rebuild the injured parts of your soul.
Take responsibility for healing the “treasures” that may have
been violated. In Nathan’s case, his sense of personal autonomy
and safety had been deeply wounded. He had to practice for a
long time to regain this in his primary relationships. But the
more he healed, the less anger he felt.
Finally, as you develop a sense of biblical boundaries, you
develop more safety in the present. You develop more confi-
dence. You are less enslaved to the fear of other people. In
Nathan’s case, he set better limits with his wife and improved
his marriage. As you develop better boundaries, you have less
need for anger. This is because in many cases, anger was the
only boundary you had. Once you have your no intact, you no
Boundaries