Boundaries

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skates, and wind surfers. Terry and Sherry had all the trappings

of success. But, there was one problem. This lifestyle was not

supported by Terry’s paycheck. Terry and Sherry received much

financial help from his family.

Terry’s family had always wanted the best for him, and they

had always helped him get it. They had contributed to the

house, the vacations, and the children’s hobbies. While this

allowed Terry and Sherry to have things they could not other-

wise have, it cost them dearly as well.

The periodic bailouts from his parents cut into Terry’s self-

respect. And Sherry felt as if she couldn’t spend any money

without consulting her in-laws, since they contributed the funds.

Terry illustrates a common boundary problem for young

adults today, both married and single: he was not yet an adult

financially. He could not set boundaries on his parents’ desire

for him and Sherry to “have everything we have.” He also found

that he had so fused with their ideas of success that he had trou-

ble saying no to these wishes in himself. He wasn’t sure he

wanted to forsake the gifts and handouts for a greater sense of

independence.

Terry’s story is the “up” side of the financial boundary prob-

lem. There is also the “I’m in trouble” side. Many adult children

perpetually get into financial messes because of irresponsibility,

drug or alcohol use, out-of-control spending, or the modern “I

haven’t found my niche” syndrome. Their parents continue to

finance this road of failure and irresponsibility, thinking that

“this time they’ll do better.” In reality, they are crippling their

children for life, preventing them from achieving independence.

An adult who does not stand on his own financially is still a

child. To be an adult, you must live within your means and pay

for your own failures.

Mom, Where Are My Socks?
In the perpetual child syndrome, a person may be financially
on his own, but allows his family of origin to perform certain life
management functions.

Boundaries