123ing at all. I’m not getting any better.” Fusing with many of her
mother’s ideas about her, she wasn’t able to stay separate. This
fusion with her mother affected her other relationships. She vir-
tually shut everyone out of her life after an interaction with her
mother. Her mother owned her life; she was not her own.
Second Fiddle
“You wouldn’t believe how she is with him,” Dan said. “She
totally focuses on his every wish. When he criticizes her, she
tries harder. And she practically ignores me. I’m tired of being
the ‘second man’ in her life.”
Dan wasn’t talking about Jane’s lover. He was talking about
her father. Dan was tired of feeling like Jane cared more about
her father’s wishes than his.
This is a common sign of a lack of boundaries with the family
of origin: the spouse feels like he gets leftovers. He feels as if his
mate’s real allegiance is to her parents. This spouse hasn’t com-
pleted the “leaving before cleaving” process; she has a boundary
problem. God has designed the process whereby a “man shall
leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife; and
they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24 NASB). The Hebrew word
for “leave” comes from a root word that means to “loosen,” or to
relinquish or forsake. For marriage to work, the spouse needs to
loosen her ties with her family of origin and forge new ones with
the new family she is creating through marriage.
This does not mean that husbands and wives shouldn’t have
a relationship with their extended families. But they do need to
set clear boundaries with their families of origin. Many mar-
riages fail because one partner fails to set clear boundaries with
the family of origin, and the spouse and children get leftovers.
May I Have My Allowance, Please?
Terry and Sherry were an attractive couple. They owned a
big house and went on lavish vacations; their children took piano
lessons and ballet, and they had their own skis, roller blades, ice
Boundaries and Your Family