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By this time, Person B, feeling lonely, calls C, and, in pass-
ing, mentions the conflict with A. Person C becomes the confi-
dant of B as well as A. Persons A and B have not resolved their
conflict, and C has two “friends.”
Triangulation is the failure to resolve a conflict between two
persons and the pulling in of a third to take sides. This is a
boundary problem because the third person has no business in
the conflict, but is used for comfort and validation by the ones
who are afraid to confront each other. This is how conflicts per-
sist, people don’t change, and enemies are made unnecessarily.
What happens in the triangle is that people speak falsely,
covering up their hatred with nice words and flattery. Person A
is usually very cordial, nice, and even complimentary to B in
person, but when A talks to C, the anger comes out.
This is a clear lack of boundaries because Person A is not
“owning” his anger. The person with whom A is angry deserves
to hear it straight from him. How many times have you been
hurt by a “Do you know what John said about you?” And the last
time you talked to John things were fine.
In addition, Person C is being drawn into the conflict and his
knowledge of the conflict gets in the way of his relationship with
Person B. Gossip gets between people. It affects our opinions of
the people being gossiped about without their having a chance
to defend themselves. Many times what we hear from a third
person is inaccurate. This is why the Bible commands us to lis-
ten to at least two or three witnesses, not just one.
Triangulation is a common boundary problem with families of
origin. Old patterns of conflict between a parent and a child, or
between two parents, result in one family member calling another
family member and talking about the third family member. These
extremely destructive patterns keep people dysfunctional.
The Scripture is very serious about dealing with conflict
directly with the one you are angry with:
He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than
he who has a flattering tongue. (Prov. 28:23)Boundaries