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It is good to feel grateful to our parents and to repay them for
what they have done for us.
But two problems generally crop up. First, your parents may
not be “really in need.” They may be irresponsible, demanding,
or acting like martyrs. They may need to take responsibility for
their own knapsacks.
Second, when they are “really in need,” you may not have
clear boundaries to determine what you can give and what you
can’t give. You may not be able to limit your giving, and your
parents’ inability to adjust to old age, for example, will dominate
your family. Such domination can ruin marriages and hurt chil-
dren. A family needs to decide what they want to give and what
they do not want to give, so they will continue to love and appre-
ciate the parent, and not grow resentful.
Good boundaries prevent resentment. It is good to give.
Make sure, however, that it is the proper amount for your situ-
ation and resources.
But I’m Your Brother
Another frequent dynamic is the grown sibling relationship.
An irresponsible adult child depends on a responsible adult sib-
ling to avoid growing up and leaving the family. (We are not
talking about a true needy sibling who has a mental or physical
impairment.) The irresponsible child continues to play old fam-
ily games well into adulthood.
The tough issue here is the guilt and pressure you feel
because it is your brother or sister. I have seen people do totally
crazy and unhelpful things for a brother or sister that they would
never do for their closest friend. Our families can tear down our
best-built fences because they are “family.”
But Why Do We Do That?
Why in the world do we choose to continue these sorts of
patterns? What is wrong?
One reason is that we did not learn the laws of boundaries in
our family of origin, and our adult boundary problems are actu-
ally old boundary problems that have been there since childhood.
Boundaries