Boundaries
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- What are the roots? The compliant probably grew up in a
family who taught him to avoid conflict, rather than embrace it.
The aggressive controller never received training in delaying
gratification and in taking responsibility for herself.
- What is the boundary conflict? Two specific boundary
conflicts are the inability of the compliant to set clear limits with
his friend, and the inability of the aggressive controller to
respect the compliant’s limits.
- Who needs to take ownership? The compliant needs to
see that he isn’t a victim of the aggressive controller; he is vol-
unteering his power to his friend on a silver platter. Giving up
his power is his way of controlling his friend. The compliant con-
trols the aggressive controller by pleasing her, hoping it will
appease her and cause her to change her behavior. The aggres-
sive controller needs to own that she has difficulty listening to
no and accepting the limits of others. She needs to take respon-
sibility for her need to control her friend.
- What is needed? The unhappier one in the friendship, the
compliant, needs to plug into a supportive group of people to
help him with this boundary conflict.
- How do they begin? In preparation for confronting his
friend, the compliant needs to practice setting limits in his sup-
port group. The aggressive controller could really benefit from
honest feedback from loving friends on how she runs over
people and how she can learn to respect the limits of others.
- How do they set boundaries? The compliant applies bib-
lical principles to his friendship (see Matthew 18). He confronts
his friend on her control and intimidation. He tells her that the
next time she tries to control him, he will leave.
He does not attempt to control her. Confrontation isn’t an ulti-
matum meant to rob her of her choices. He sets limits to let her
know that her control hurts him and wounds their friendship. Such
limits protect the compliant from further hurt. The aggressive con-
troller can become as angry or intimidating as she wants, but the
compliant won’t be around to get hurt. He will be out of the room,
the house, or the friendship—until it’s safe to come back.
The aggressive controller experiences the consequences of
her actions. Not having her friend around may force her to miss
Boundaries
