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boundaries. Cathy would do anything to avoid conflict with
friends—especially with Sharon.
- What is the boundary conflict? Sharon doesn’t plan ahead
and take responsibility for her schedule. When responsibilities
“get away from her,” she calls out to the nearest compliant for
help. And Cathy comes running. - Who needs to take ownership? Cathy, the motivated party in
this conflict, sees how her never-ending yes contributes to Sharon’s
illusion that she doesn’t ever have to plan ahead. Cathy needs to
stop feeling like a victim and take responsibility for saying no. - What does she need? Cathy needs to connect with others
who will support her as she looks at the boundary issues
between her and her friend. - How does she begin? Cathy practices saying no with sup-
portive friends. In a supportive atmosphere she learns to dis-
agree, to state her opinion, and to confront. They all pray for
strength and guidance in this relationship. - How does she set boundaries? At their next lunch, Cathy
tells Sharon about her feelings of being used and taken advan-
tage of. She explains how she’d like a more mutual relationship.
Then she lets her friend know that she won’t be taking any more
“emergency” baby-sitting jobs.
Sharon, unaware of how she was hurting her friend, is gen-
uinely sorry about the problem. She begins to take more responsi-
bility for her schedule. After a few futile attempts to get Cathy to
baby-sit at the last minute and having to miss a few important meet-
ings, she starts planning for events a week or two ahead of time. - What happens next? The friendship grows and deepens.
Over time, Cathy and Sharon laugh over the conflict that actu-
ally brought them closer.
Conflict #4: Compliant/Nonresponsive
Remember the Marsha-Tammy friendship at the beginning
of this chapter? One friend doing all the work and the other
coasting illustrates the compliant/nonresponsive conflict. One
party feels frustrated and resentful; the other wonders what the
Boundaries