Boundaries

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problem is. Marsha sensed that the friendship wasn’t as impor-
tant to Tammy as it was to her.
Let’s analyze the situation:

1. What are the symptoms? Marsha feels depressed, resent-
   ful, and unimportant. Tammy, however, may feel guilty or over-
   whelmed by her friend’s needs and demands.


2. What are the roots? Marsha always feared that if she
   didn’t control her important attachments by doing all the work,
   she’d be abandoned. So she became a Martha to everyone else’s
   Mary, a worker instead of a lover (Luke 10:38–42).
   Tammy has never had to work hard for friendships. Always
   popular and in demand, she’s passively taken from important
   friendships. She’s never lost anyone by not being responsive. In
   fact, they work harder to keep her around.


3. What is the boundary conflict? There could be two
   boundary conflicts here. First, Marsha takes on too much
   responsibility for the friendship. She’s not letting her friend bear
   her own load (Gal. 6:5). Second, Tammy doesn’t take enough
   responsibility for the friendship. She knows that Marsha will
   come up with activities from which she can pick and choose.
   Why work when someone else will?


4. Who needs to take ownership? Marsha needs to take
   responsibility for making it too easy for Tammy to do nothing.
   She sees that her attempts to plan, call, and do all the work are
   disguised attempts to control love.


5. What do they need? Both women need support from
   other friends. They can’t look objectively at this problem with-
   out a relationship or two of unconditional love around them.


6. How do they begin? Marsha practices setting limits with
   supportive friends. She realizes that she will still have friend-
   ships in which each friend carries her own weight if she and
   Tammy break off their friendship.


7. How do they set boundaries? Marsha tells Tammy about
   her feelings and informs her that she will need to take equal
   responsibility for their friendship in the future. In other words,
   after Marsha calls, she won’t call again unless Tammy does.
   Marsha hopes that Tammy will miss her and begin calling.

Boundaries and Your Friends