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If worst comes to worst and the friendship atrophies due to
Tammy’s unresponsiveness, Marsha has gained something. She’s
learned it wasn’t a mutual connection in the first place. Now she
can grieve, get over it, and move on to find real friends.
- What happens next? The mini-crisis changes the character
of the friendship permanently. It either exposes it for a nonrela-
tionship—or it provides soil for the rebuilding of a better one.
Questions about Friendship Boundary Conflicts
Boundary conflicts in friendships are difficult to deal with
because the only cord tying the relationship together is the
attachment itself. There’s no wedding ring. There’s no job con-
nection. There’s just the friendship—and it often seems all too
fragile and in danger of being severed.
People who are in the above conflicts often raise the follow-
ing questions when they consider setting boundaries on their
friendships.
Question #1: Aren’t Friendships Easily Broken?
Most friendships have no external commitment, such as
marriage, work, or church, to keep the friends together. The
phone could just stop ringing and the relationship die with no
real ripples in the lives of the participants. So aren’t friendships
at greater risk of breaking up when boundary conflicts arise?
This type of thinking has two problems. First, it assumes that
external institutions such as marriage, work, and church are the
glue that holds relationships together. It assumes that our com-
mitments are what hold us together, not our attachments. Bib-
lically and practically, nothing could be further from the truth.
We hear this thinking in many Christian circles: “If you don’t
like someone, act like you do.” Or, “make yourself love them.”
Or, “commit to loving someone.” Or, “choose to love someone,
and the feelings will come.”
Choice and commitment are elements of a good friendship.
We do need more than fair-weather friends. However, Scripture
teaches us that we can’t depend on commitment or sheer
Boundaries