145This fact causes a built-in conflict. When we date, we have
the freedom to say, at any time, “This isn’t working out,” and to
end the relationship. The other person has the same freedom.
What does this mean for the person whose boundaries have
been injured? Often, she brings immature, undeveloped aspects
of her character to an adult romantic situation. In an arena of low
commitment and high risk, she seeks the safety, bonding, and
consistency that her wounds need. She entrusts herself too
quickly to someone whom she is dating because her needs are so
intense. And she will be devastated when things “don’t work out.”
This is a little like sending a three-year-old to the front lines
of battle. Dating is a way for adults to find out about each other’s
suitability for marriage; it’s not a place for young, injured souls
to find healing. This healing can best be found in nonromantic
arenas, such as support groups, church groups, therapy, and
same-sex friendships. We need to keep separate the purposes of
romantic and nonromantic friendships.
It’s best to learn the skill of setting boundaries in these non-
romantic arenas, where the attachments and commitments are
greater. Once we’ve learned to recognize, set, and keep our bib-
lical boundaries, we can use them on the adult playground
called dating.
- Setting limits in romance is necessary. Individuals with
mature boundaries sometimes suspend them in the initial stages of
a dating relationship in order to please the other person. However,
truth-telling in romance helps define the relationship. It helps each
person to know where he starts and the other person stops.
Ignorance of one another’s boundaries is one of the most
blatant red flags of the poor health of a dating relationship. We’ll
ask a couple in premarital counseling, “Where do you disagree?
Where do you lock horns?” When the answer is, “It’s just amaz-
ing, we’re so compatible, we have very few differences,” we’ll
give the couple homework: Find out what you’ve been lying
about to each other. If the relationship has any hope, that assign-
ment will generally help.
Boundaries and Your Friends