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It’s scary to realize that the only thing holding our friends to
us isn’t our performance, or our lovability, or their guilt, or their
obligation. The only thing that will keep them calling, spending
time with us, and putting up with us is love. And that’s the one
thing we can’t control.
At any moment, any person can walk away from a friendship.
However, as we enter more and more into an attachment-based
life, we learn to trust love. We learn that the bonds of a true
friendship are not easily broken. And we learn that, in a good
relationship, we can set limits that will strengthen, not injure,
the connection.
Question #2: How Can I Set Boundaries in Romantic Friendships?
Single Christians have tremendous struggles with learning
to be truth-tellers and limit-setters in romantic, dating friend-
ships. Most of the conflicts revolve around the fear of losing the
relationship. A client may say: “There’s someone in my life
whom I like a lot—but I’m afraid if I say no to him, I’ll never
see him again.”
A couple of unique principles operate in the romantic sphere:
- Romantic relationships are, by nature, risky. Many singles
who have not developed good attachments with other people
and who have not had their boundaries respected try to learn
the rules of biblical friendships by dating. They hope that the
safety of these relationships will help them learn to love, be
loved, and set limits.
Quite often, these individuals come out of a few months of
dating more injured than when they went in. They may feel let
down, put down, or used. This is not a dating problem. It’s a
problem in understanding the purpose of dating.
The purpose of dating is to practice and experiment. The
end goal of dating is generally to decide, sooner or later,
whether or not to marry. Dating is a means to find out what kind
of person we complement and with whom we are spiritually and
emotionally compatible. It’s a training ground for marriage.
Boundaries