147I asked her to describe the quality of her relationships. “Oh,
I’ve got lots of friends. I volunteer at the church two nights a
week. I teach a Bible study once a week. I’m on a couple of
church committees, and I sing in the choir.”
“I’m getting exhausted just listening to you describe your
week,” I said. “But what about the quality of these relationships?”
“They’re great. People are being helped. They’re growing in
their faith, and troubled marriages are getting healed.”
“You know,” I said, “I’m asking you about friendships, and
you’re answering about ministries. They’re not the same thing.”
She had never considered the difference. Her concept of
friendship was to find people with needs and throw herself into
a relationship with them. She didn’t know how to ask for things
for herself.
And that was the source of her boundary conflicts. Without
these “ministry relationships,” this woman would have had noth-
ing. So she couldn’t say no. Saying no would have plummeted
her into isolation, which would have been intolerable.
But it had happened anyway: she had come for help because
of burnout.
When the Bible tells us to comfort with the comfort with
which we are comforted (2 Cor. 1:4), it’s telling us something.
We need to be comforted before we can comfort. That may
mean setting boundaries on our ministries so that we can be
nurtured by our friends. We must distinguish between the two.
A prayerful look at your friendships will determine whether
you need to begin building boundaries with some of your
friends. By setting boundaries, you may save some important
ones from declining. And when romantic, dating relationships
lead to marriage, you will still need to remember how to build
and maintain boundaries even in this most intimate of human
relationships.
Boundaries and Your Friends