159Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in every-
thing. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church
and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by
the washing with water through the word, and to present her to
himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other
blemish, but holy and blameless” (Eph. 5:24–27).
Whenever submission issues are raised, the first question that
needs to be asked is, What is the nature of the marital relation-
ship? Is the husband’s relationship with his wife similar to Christ’s
relationship with the church? Does she have free choice, or is she
a slave “under the law”? Many marital problems arise when a hus-
band tries to keep his wife “under the law,” and she feels all the
emotions the Bible promises the law will bring: wrath, guilt, inse-
curity, and alienation (Rom. 4:15; James 2:10; Gal. 5:4).
Freedom is one issue that needs to be examined; grace is
another. Is the husband’s relationship with his wife full of grace
and unconditional love? Is she in a position of “no condemna-
tion” as the church is (Rom. 8:1), or does her husband fail to
“wash her” of all guilt? Usually husbands who quote Ephesians
5 turn their wives into slaves and condemn them for not sub-
mitting. If she incurs wrath or condemnation for not submitting,
she and her husband do not have a grace-filled Christian mar-
riage; they have a marriage “under the law.”
Often, in these situations, the husband is trying to get his
wife to do something that either is hurtful or takes away her will.
Both of these actions are sins against himself. “Husbands ought
to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife
loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he
feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church” (Eph.
5:28–29). Given this, the idea of slavelike submission is impos-
sible to hold. Christ never takes away our will or asks us to do
something hurtful. He never pushes us past our limits. He never
uses us as objects. Christ “gave himself up” for us. He takes care
of us as he would his own body.
We have never seen a “submission problem” that did not
have a controlling husband at its root. When the wife begins to
Boundaries and Your Spouse