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“What do you need?” She looked confused, became thoughtful,
and sat back in her chair.
Janice had just described a week of painful loss: her husband
had made moves to separate, her kids were out of control, and
her job was in jeopardy. The concern on the faces of the group
members, who were all working on issues of attachment and
safety, was evident. Yet no one knew quite how to help. So when
I asked the question, I was asking it for all of us. But Janice
couldn’t answer.
This was typical of Janice’s background. She’d spent most of
her childhood taking responsibility for her parents’ feelings. The
peacemaker of the house, she was always smoothing over the ruf-
fled feathers of either parent, with soothing words like, “Mom, I’m
sure Dad didn’t mean to blow up at you—he’s had a rough day.”
The result of such unbiblical responsibility toward her fam-
ily was clear in Janice’s life: a sense of overresponsibility for oth-
ers and a lack of attunement toward her own needs. Janice had
radar out for the hurts of others; but the radar pointed her way
was broken. It was no wonder she couldn’t answer my question.
Janice didn’t understand her own God-given, legitimate needs.
She had no vocabulary for this thinking.
The story does, however, have a happy ending. One of the
group members said, “If I were in your shoes, I know what I’d
need. I’d really need to know that you people in this room cared
for me, that you didn’t see me as a colossal, shameful failure, and
that you’d pray for me and let me call you on the phone this
week for support.”
Janice’s eyes began watering. Something about her friend’s
empathic statement touched her in a place she couldn’t herself
touch. And she allowed the comfort that comes from others who
have been comforted to take its place inside her (2 Cor. 1:4).
Janice’s story illustrates the second fruit of boundary devel-
opment in our children: the ability to take ownership of, or
responsibility for, our own needs. God intends for us to know
when we’re hungry, lonely, in trouble, overwhelmed, or in need
of a break—and then to take initiative to get what we need. The
Scriptures present Jesus as understanding this point when he left
Boundaries