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painful consequences of their own irresponsibility and mistakes.
This is the “training” of Hebrews 5:14 and the “discipline” of
Hebrews 12. By the time they are ready to leave home, our chil-
dren should have internalized a deep sense of personal respon-
sibility for their lives. They should hold these convictions:
- My success or failure in life largely depends on me.
- Though I am to look to God and others for comfort and
instruction, I alone am responsible for my choices. - Though I am deeply affected by my significant relationships
throughout my life, I can’t blame my problems on anyone but
myself. - Though I will always fail and need support, I can’t depend on
some overresponsible individual to constantly bail me out of
spiritual, emotional, financial, or relational crises.
This sense of “my life is up to me” is founded in God’s con-
cern that we take responsibility for our lives. He wants us to use
our talents in productive ways, as Jesus discussed in the parable
of the talents (Matt. 25:14–30). And this sense of responsibility
will follow us all through our adult lives—and even beyond the
grave, at the judgment seat of Christ.
You can imagine how well not taking ownership over our
lives will come across to the Lord then: “But I had a dysfunc-
tional family.” “But I was lonely.” “But I didn’t have much
energy.” The rationalizing “buts” will have as much impact as
the excuses of the servant in the parable of the talents did. This
isn’t to say that we aren’t deeply influenced for better or worse
by our backgrounds and our various stressors. We certainly are.
But we are ultimately responsible for what we do with our
injured, immature souls.
Wise parents allow their children to undergo “safe suffer-
ing.” “Safe suffering” means allowing a child to experience age-
appropriate consequences. Allowing a six-year-old to go outside
after dark isn’t training her for adulthood. She is making deci-
sions that she doesn’t have the maturity to make. She shouldn’t
be placed in a position of making these choices in the first place.
Boundaries