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If this principle isn’t taught, it’s difficult for children to grow up
as loving people. Frequently, they become self-centered or con-
trolling. At that point, God’s program of maturity is more difficult.
A client of mine had been trained by his family to ignore others’
limits. His subsequent manipulation had landed him in jail for steal-
ing. Yet this process, painful though it was, taught him empathy.
“I really never knew that other people had needs and hurts,”
he once explained to me. “I was raised to concentrate on Number
One. And when I began getting confronted on my lack of respect
for others’ needs, something happened inside. A space opened up
inside my heart for others. I didn’t ignore my own needs—but for
the first time, I saw progress. I actually started feeling guilty about
how my actions have hurt my wife and family.”
Did he have a long way to go? Absolutely. But he was on the
right road. Learning boundaries later in life was a start to
becoming an authentically, biblically loving person.
Seasonal Boundaries: Age-Appropriate Limits Training
If this was the first chapter you turned to when you glanced
over the table of contents, chances are you’re a parent. Chances
are also that you may be experiencing boundary difficulties with
your children. Perhaps you’re reading this simply in an effort to
prevent problems. But more likely you’re in some pain from
which you need relief: Your newborn won’t stop shrieking. Your
toddler runs the household. Your elementary school student has
behavioral problems at school. Your junior high kid smarts off.
Your high schooler is drinking.
All of these issues indicate possible boundary problems. And
this section provides an outline on the age-appropriate bound-
ary tasks your children should be learning. As parents, we need
to take into consideration our children’s developmental needs
and abilities to avoid asking them to do something they can’t do,
or to avoid asking too little of them.
Below are the basic tasks for the different stages of child-
hood. For more detailed information on birth to age three, refer
to Chapter 4 on how boundaries are developed in childhood.
Boundaries