181Some people learn to accept boundaries early in life, even as
early as stage number one. But some people have to go all the
way to number eight before they get the picture that we have to
accept life’s limits: “Stop listening to instruction, my son, and
you will stray from the words of knowledge” (Prov. 19:27). Many
out-of-control adolescents don’t mature until their thirties, when
they become tired of not having a steady job and a place to stay.
They have to hit bottom financially, and sometimes they may
even have to live on the streets for a while. In time, they begin
sticking with a career, saving money, and starting to grow up.
They gradually begin to accept life’s limits.
No matter how tough we think we are, there’s always some-
one tougher. If we don’t teach our children to take a no, someone
who loves them far less may take on the job. Someone tougher.
Someone stronger. And most parents would much rather spare
having their children go through this suffering. The earlier we
teach limits, the better.
A second, even more important, reason why accepting the
limits of others is important for kids is this: Heeding others’
boundaries helps children to love. At its heart, the idea of
respecting others’ boundaries is the basis for empathy, or loving
others as we’d like to be loved. Children need to be given the
grace of having their no respected, and they need to learn to
give that same grace to others. As they feel empathy for the
needs of others, they mature and deepen in their love for God
and others: “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19).
Say, for example, that your six-year-old accidentally but care-
lessly bonks you on the head hard with a softball. To ignore it,
or act like it didn’t hurt, is to give the child the feeling that his
actions have no impact. He can then avoid any sense of respon-
sibility or awareness of others’ needs or hurts. However, telling
him, “I know you didn’t do it on purpose, but that ball really
hurt me—try to be a little more careful” helps him see, without
condemnation, that he can hurt people he loves and that his
actions do matter.
Boundaries and Your Children