187tle boys want to be like Dad, and little girls like Mom. They also
develop competitive feelings toward that same parent, wishing to
marry the opposite-sex parent, defeating the same-sex parent in
the process. They are preparing for adult sex roles later in life.
Boundary work by parents is important here. Gently but
firmly, mothers need to allow their daughters to identify and to
compete. They must also deal with the possessiveness of their
sons, letting them know that “I know you’d like to marry Mom,
but Mom’s married to Dad.” Fathers have to do the same job with
their sons and daughters. This helps children learn to identify with
the opposite-sex parent and take on appropriate characteristics.
Parents who fear the budding sexuality of their children will
often become critical of these intense longings. Their own fear
may cause them to attack or to shame their child, causing her to
repress her sexuality. At the other extreme, the needy parent will
sometimes emotionally, or even physically, seduce the child of the
opposite sex. The mother who tells her son that “Daddy doesn’t
understand me—you’re the only one who can” is ensuring years
of confusion about sex roles for her son. Mature parents need to
keep a boundary between allowing sex role typing to emerge—
and keeping the lines between parent and child clear.
Six to Eleven Years
During what is called latency, or the years of industry, the
child is preparing for the upcoming thrust into adolescence.
These years are the last true years of childhood. They are impor-
tant for learning task orientation through schoolwork and play,
and for learning to connect with same-sex peers.
An extremely busy time for work and friends, this period car-
ries its own boundary tasks for parents. Here, you need to help
your kids establish the fundamentals of tasks: doing homework,
house chores, and projects. They need to learn planning and the
discipline of keeping at a job until it’s finished. They need to
learn such boundary work as delay of gratification, goal orienta-
tion, and budgeting time.
Boundaries and Your Children